and it just keeps getting better

im such a fucked up.

i made A angrry. its actually not important but i feel bad.

and i got rid of S.

so its now E. hahaha. SEA down to E, who is also not very interested. so yay to me once more.

and they just told me that W doesnt want to break up with me. he doesnt want a break up at all. i think he's doing it to make me feel better. i dont know what i want but i feel so bad. hes still as self-sacrificing, still as nice. whats wrong with me. whats wron with me. why do i not want him. why why why. im trying to talk to him anyway, like peace yo. but then he's not letting me through at all. i know he'll be fine, i know he'll get through it.

sibei sian ah.

but guess what, in the midst of all this crap. im still feeling fine. im feeling alright, not depressed at all. i think im really back to normal.

have i finally made peace with myself? im quite liking this new peaceful zen stage hahaha!

so, im feeling really cheery and back to my normal self after all the heartwarming birthday wishes!

really feeling pretty good today :D

its great, really hoping that all the depression is finally gone for good!

im receiving all the love and birthday wishes from my friends today.

this year's wishes seemed different. everyone's asking me to stay happy, be happy,as long as im happy, to dont think too much and the we are all worried about you.

it's got me thinking... am i really not okay? is it so apparent that im not happy?

i thought i was doing well, i thought i was doing okay and still going about my life normally. apparently not.

then what should i do? i thought i was unhappy in the relationship. i thought i wanted out. from the moment i asked for a timeout, i knew it wouldnt be easy. i knew it wouldnt be easy to just up and go from a 3 year plus relationship, especially since it's considered to be going quite well. i also knew that what me and him had was something quite special, the level of comfort and support we have. so why did i choose to give it all up, i dont know.

i swear, it knew it wouldn't be easy. but i didnt know it would be this fucking hard.

in the midst of alll the misery and depression, i am truly thankful for all the <3 from my awesome friends on my birthday.

on a side note, last night was crazy. im a natural whore. like going on a date with one guy and then getting him to go drinking with me and then playing with a few other guys and then, kissing another one? oh and not to mention all these in front of the guy that i really like. and then drunk texting all of them at the same time when i got home? whats. wrong. with. me.

no wonder he doesnt even like me.

the only way for me to get out of this is to stop drinking. then i will stop being such a whore. but i cant, i truly cant. drinking is my one and only pleasure, its the one thing that makes me really really let loose and feel happy. even if its just for a short while.

whats. wrong. with. me.

i think i need help.

slowly sinking into the wraths of depression.

i dont know what im living for, i dont know what im working for, anymore.

reading eat love pray and starting to wonder if love is the only thing that we are all living for.

what happens then when you dont have love? or what happens when even love doesnt satisfy you anymore?

so i still dont know if breaking up is the right thing to do.

im such a fucked-up seriously. it took us years and years to build up the relationship that we have. everyone who sees us will know that we are good together. after three years we have finally built a very stable and comfortable relationship tgt. and on hindsight, he's been nothing but good to me.

so whyyyy do i even do that. i cant even answer people's question when they ask me why did i break up for. for no reason i guess? then they'd be like are you crazy.

yeah, so now im wondering am i crazy?

and in spite of saying all these, i dont think i regret my decision. yet?!

soooooo today is extreme monday blues.

feeling sleepy, irritated and a little depressed all rolled into one. unsettled.

when will this unsettled feeling ever go awayyyyy. its hard to explain this, but i think it stems from being unsatisfied with my life right now.

i probably need to get a new job thats super challenging to occupy my time/ find my true calling to do something useful and meaningful in my life. its like, no matter how busy i try to occupy my time, i still feel empty.

its a serious case of fml. or i just need a new love to distract myself. but. i refuse to.

I MUST DO THIS. I MUST STAY SINGLE AND BE ALONE. CAUSE I NEED TO LEARN TO BE ALONE.

my entire teenage years has been spent being a boyfriend's girl ie i always spend my time with my boyf or his friends/ my friends. i have never been single for the past 7 years and i have forgotten how it's like to be single and live alone.

so i think my new resolution is to BE ALONE.

alone for the first time in my life since 3786495 years.

being alone feels kind of awesome and lonely at the same time, but im learning to get used to it.

although, i seriously need to turn into one of those depressed drunkards ie. crying after drinking. its soooo embarassing but it does feels good to let it out. havent even cried once since the breakup, until last night. i know right everyone must be thinking you're the one who asked for a break up so what's there to cry about. i know right! but, i still dont know if its the right thing to do.

i dont even know what i want anymore.